Work or life? Let's ask a different question
One of the main issues I see in lawyers (and others) who are feeling stuck and unhappy is this: they experience what seems like an irreconcilable conflict between what they need to do to succeed at work, and what they need to do to be happy.
Success at work brings many real benefits. It can feel essential. Naturally, people don’t want to give that up, and why should they?
But if succeeding at work is becoming less and less compatible with experiencing any sense of fulfilment and peace in your life it’s a recipe for disaster. The drive in you to meet work standards is an unstoppable force, and it hits the immoveable object of your deeper self, who wants to be happy and fulfilled.
When faced with this dynamic, most people start to look for ways to balance the two. The question they ask is:
How can I find ways to fit making myself happy in with all the things I need to do to cope at work?
This is a useful question. The answer usually involves:
Setting effective boundaries between “work” and “life”
Tapping into healthy habits around physical and mental wellbeing
Finding time to reconnect with people and activities that bring joy and fulfilment.
With energy to spare from work, and adequate time for rest and recovery, life becomes more enjoyable and rewarding. Fabulous.
However, this approach still sets “work” and “life” as opposing forces. Sure, you’ve brokered a peace deal (aka tips and tricks), but will it last?
Creating a ceasefire is a great first step. It will give you relief and bandwidth so you can consider a better, deeper question: how to end the war. Not by surrendering one to the other, but by realigning those forces so they are headed in the same direction: your fulfilment.
Here’s how a recent graduate of my Thriving as a Lawyer program described it:
When I started the program, I could only see the need to set boundaries between "work" me and "life" me. I essentially thought that I had to firmly divide those things in order to keep the real me safe. Now I see the potential for more flow between the two, but in a way that serves me so that I don't feel as divided and have less cognitive dissonance. Still a work in progress, but I'm getting there, I think!
Each day brings hundreds of what I call “choice points”. At a choice point you make a decision about what you will prioritise in that moment. When we dig into it, your “work” and “life” drivers likely want the same thing: for you to be safe and happy. But work drivers are often primarily rooted in the fear of falling short. As a consequence, they often overplay the need to find safety from danger … with the result of actually making you less happy.
While your “work” and “life” drivers are fighting you’re more likely to choose “staying back to finish this advice and getting it to the client tonight” over “logging off, going home, and picking it back up in the morning”. You then feel bad, resentful and guilty for ignoring the part of you that wants you to go home. Or, you override that and choose to go home… but then can’t relax because you’re worried about the work still needing to be done.
By bringing the warring factions to mediation, we can help them to see their common goal so they can stop fighting and start co-operating.
You still have to decide: stay back at work or go home? But you will decide from a more unified and resourceful self, so that all of you feels ok with whichever decision you make. Ah, that’s better!
Tips and tricks are great! They can in fact offer a massive improvement in how you feel, but they are not a permanent fix.
Until next week,
Take care of yourself and others
Madeleine
PS If you’d like to read more on this topic, check out these posts:
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/reconnecting
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/is-your-thinking-binary
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/healthy-boundaries
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/should-you-run-from-the-tiger
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/busyness
https://www.madeleineshaw.com.au/blog/not-to-do-list
PPS If you’d like to work with me to help you bring your work self and life self into alignment so it’s easier to make the choices that will support you across all the domains of your life, let me know. Send me a message to enquire, and please share with anyone you think may benefit.
PPPS If you’re a member of the Association of Corporate Counsel, join us on 30 July for a member-only session where Paul Garth from Pinsent Masons Vario will be interviewing me about thriving for in-house counsel – and how the habits that help you succeed as a lawyer can be the very same habits that are getting in your way.
I help accomplished professionals untangle difficult career questions so they can thrive in work and life.
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