Accountability and being nice: trade-off or allies?

Something that's been coming up with clients quite often lately is the conundrum of how to have high standards with their teams while still being “nice”.

It’s been showing up particularly around holding standards for how people work rather than what they deliver: things like communication habits, follow-through, responsiveness, respect in meetings, time in the office, how remote days are approached, and so on.

These things are harder to talk about because they’re not easily measurable. They sit in the space of culture, norms and tone. And because they’re “softer”, many leaders hesitate to raise them, worried they'll seem petty, micromanaging or overly strict.

But the irony is that ignoring these things because you don’t want to cause conflict almost always ends up with you feeling resentful, and the team being unsure of what’s expected. It quietly erodes trust and performance.

A few ways to approach ways of working accountability without losing “niceness”:

1. Define the norm, not the exception

Instead of “You need to communicate better,” try something like:

“In this team, our norm is: if you’re going to be late, you let us know. If you’re working from home, you’re still visible and reachable. Let’s check how we each want to do that.”

This shifts the conversation from policing an individual to shaping shared practice.

2. Use real examples (but keep them small and early)

It’s much easier to say, “Yesterday when we were preparing for the client meeting, I noticed my messages were answered after a few hours. That made it harder for us to coordinate. Next time, let’s agree on how we’ll keep each other in the loop,” than to wait until it’s a pattern and feels like a character flaw.

3. Invite people into the “why”

Explain the link to outcomes: responsiveness matters because we’re often working to tight turnaround times; being in the office on Tuesdays matters because that’s when collaboration is most active. Adults usually respond better to logic and shared purpose than policies and rules.

4. Make the expectation mutual

Ask: “Is there anything I could be doing that would make this easier for you to meet?”

It signals fairness and makes accountability a shared endeavour, not a power play on your part.

Side note. If it *is* a power play on your part – you want them to follow the rules because you said so – then you might want to pretty seriously re-examine your impact and motivations.

5. Follow up with consistency, not intensity

You don’t need a grand speech and you certainly don’t need an angry outburst. You need a quick check-in next week: “How did that adjustment go? Anything getting in the way?”

When leaders do this well, they’re not less kind. It’s actually more respectful. They’re saying: I believe you’re a capable adult, and that how we work together matters enough to talk about.

Until next week,

Madeleine

PS If you’d like me to work with you as you navigate accountability and being “nice”, let me know and please share with anyone you think may benefit.

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