Working with someone whose values clash with yours? Start here
How do you work with someone who sees the world completely differently?
I’ve coached a lot of leaders through tough relationships at work. But one of the trickiest – and most common – dynamics is this:
“We get along fine on the surface. But go just a bit deeper and we just don’t share the same values.”
It might be a leader who prizes bold risk-taking working with someone deeply conservative. Or someone who values transparency trying to collaborate with someone who plays their cards close. Or someone who leads with heart alongside someone who leads with spreadsheets.
This kind of values mismatch doesn’t always lead to open conflict. But it often leads to low trust, low energy, and low-quality decisions, because the two parties stop being open with each other and collaboration turns into silent toleration or worse – working *around* each other.
So what can you actually do?
Here are five practices I’ve seen help:
1. Name what you’re noticing – to yourself
Don’t jump to conclusions (“they have no integrity!”). Try to think about the behaviour neutrally and be curious. “They’re slow to commit,” or “They avoid interpersonal stuff” is a better starting point than assuming malice or brokenness.
2. Look for shared purpose, not shared values
You don’t need to become best friends or agree on everything. Focus on what you do both want – a strong team outcome, a successful project, less pain for the client.
3. Be clear enough, in a way that fits the context
In mismatched pairings, it’s easy for communication styles to create misunderstandings. What one person sees as careful and respectful, another might see as evasive. Trusted colleagues learn how the other communicates and adapt just enough – not to mimic, but to reduce friction. If you’re an English speaker in France, things will be easier if you can speak a little bit of French. Say what you mean in a way the other person can hear.
4. Respect what matters to them
You don’t have to agree with someone’s values to recognise their legitimacy. If they care about risk mitigation, don’t dismiss it as fearfulness. If they care about harmony, don’t treat it as avoidance. Find ways to show you see and respect their frame of reference, even if you don’t share it.
5. Don’t outsource your values – and know where your line is
The worst thing you can do is let someone else’s approach hollow out your own. Stay grounded in your own principles – but lead with curiosity, not righteousness. That’s how influence grows.
And if what you’re dealing with isn’t a values mismatch but a pattern of genuinely unethical behaviour – gaslighting, dishonesty, harm – that’s not a collaboration problem. That’s a boundary one.
Working across a values divide is not about faking alignment. It’s about showing up with integrity, clarity, and respect so that trust can grow, even without perfect agreement. But discernment matters. If the gap isn’t just about differing perspectives, but about someone routinely acting without integrity, your job isn’t to flex. It’s to decide what you're willing to tolerate… and what you’re not.
If you’re leading in complex systems – law, government, multinationals – you will definitely work with people who see the world differently. That’s not always a problem. In fact, it can be a strength – if you know how to navigate it.
I work with senior professionals who want to lead with greater clarity and influence, even in messy or mismatched environments. If that’s you, get in touch.
Until next week, take care of yourself and others
Madeleine
I help accomplished professionals untangle difficult career questions so they can thrive in work and life.
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