Frozen like a deer in the headlights
Deer stand stock still in the headlights because their pupils are fully dilated for night vision and, blinded by the bright lights of a car, they freeze until their eyes adjust and they can see their way clear.
People also freeze “like a deer in the headlights”, but in our case it’s due to fear (and ok, sure, if you’ve been hiking in the pitch dark and someone suddenly shines a bright light in your face, you’ll probably freeze in those circumstances too). We’ve all heard of “fight or flight” – the somewhat lesser known third option in response to a threat is to freeze. It’s even more primal than fighting or fleeing.
When the COVID-19 situation was first kicking off, I stayed active, focused and constructive. Perhaps it was “fight” mode. I got up early, exercised each morning and stuck to a routine. I was on top of my daughter’s schoolwork needs. I was organising our food and household supplies. And I was quickly reorganising and adapting my business to meet a vastly changed world – all in the first few days.
Then, I stopped.
I’ve been slower, gentler. I have been less active, less directive, less driving. Maybe not quite “frozen”, but definitely significantly more still. It hasn’t felt like fear so much as the tiredness that comes after running on adrenaline for a while.
I’m sure you’ve seen those memes along the lines of “If you don’t come out of this speaking a new language/bench pressing 100 kg/with your novel written/having achieved world peace you didn’t lack time, you lacked discipline”. I find them to be foul. If you are fine and highly productive through all this – fine. And if you’re not – that’s also fine.
The thing is, feelings of fatigue, exhaustion and so on, are all normal responses to this very not normal situation we all find ourselves in. To be contemptuous of people who aren’t “kicking goals” all the time… any time… is to fail in empathy.
There are lots of very good reasons why people at any time are being busy and productive, or not, or anything in between.
I found this article by an academic who has lived in various war and disaster zones to be particularly helpful on this point. She says “now more than ever, we must abandon the performative and embrace the authentic”, and I couldn’t agree more.
Allowing myself to go through these responses as they do their thing, until I come out the other side, feels much kinder and more humane that pushing myself past the point of exhaustion and refusing to give myself, and my family, the care and compassion we need. I am confident that taking a more gentle, balanced approach to this time will leave me far better off in the longer term than if I forced myself to be in “push” mode. In fact, I’m already starting to feel more like “me” again. Rather than blasting through the landscape I feel more like a gardener, tending to and working with the bigger patterns of nature.
I hope you can also find a pace and path that is going to work for you over the coming weeks and months.
Be kind to yourself, and others.
Madeleine Shaw
I work with clients from executive leadership teams to the front line, helping them to make clearer decisions about what they want, and adapt faster and more easily to change and transition. I use deep purpose as a key to unlock powerful thriving in work and life.
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