Hate fakes? You can give your audience what they need without selling your soul.
Bleuch: fake people. Right? Two-faced. Duplicitous. Untrustworthy. Smiling assassins.
Nobody wants to be them.
And fair enough.
Unfortunately, though, I see a lot of people creating trouble for themselves at work by operating with a very limited false binary here:
· Either I’m utterly myself, which is good, or
· I’m utterly fake, which is bad.
Here’s an example. I often coach leaders who have had feedback that they need to improve their influence. Often, these are highly capable and professional people with significant expertise in a technical field such as finance, accounting, engineering or law. When we explore the issue together in coaching, it will often emerge that the person is trying to persuade people by presenting strong data, significant research, and a lot of technical argument.
Now, that can be persuasive, and if it is – great. But it often isn’t. Your position can (and should) be fact-based. When it comes to persuasion, though, facts still matter, of course, but so do emotions, beliefs, social ties, reciprocity, affiliation, scarcity and more. For the book on influence, read the descriptively titled Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini, which I’ve drawn on here.
Often, people will keep on with the same strategy, getting more and more frustrated, more and more sidelined, because people ‘should’ be persuaded by the data. And maybe they should, however…
If your idea is a good one and you want it to succeed, you need to try a different strategy. If you’re in France and you want to be understood, learn to speak French – don’t just yell louder in English.
Saying “I’m just not the kind of person to use anything other than the facts” (or whatever your “I’m just not the kind of person who… “ statement might be) is all well and good - but if it’s not getting your ideas across, you will want to explore some alternatives.
When this comes up, it’s useful to articulate the binary you have been working with. For example:
· Either people are persuaded by my data and I’m being authentic and ethical,
· Or I use other strategies to persuade and I’m being fake and unethical.
Given the reality that people are influenced by a lot more than data, I am going to find myself limited in my ability to have influence if I don’t change anything.
I often ask the client to draw a scale with something like “Persuading using only data” at zero and “Persuading without any regard to data” at 100. I ask them to mark where they currently are on the scale, and where they feel they could move to without feeling fake or uncomfortable. This really helps to reframe the either/or belief into something more nuanced and useful. It often comes as a relief for the client to observe that moving all the way to “Persuading without any regard to data” is not necessary, and in fact is not the goal at all.
An important point to note: your values matter.
This isn’t about sacrificing your core values but about becoming more adept in working within them, so that you can be more effective in doing what matters to you. In this example, it’s not saying you should ignore facts when coming to your position. Rather, consider broadening your repertoire when it comes to bringing people along with you.
Once you have “now” and “goal” marked on your scale, explore how moving somewhat along the scale might look and sound in practical terms. Brainstorm some specific strategies that you are prepared to experiment with in order to move along from where you currently operate. For example, you might have all the research at hand if needed, but rather than try to talk people through all the detail you might prepare two or three short talking points, couched in terms of the decision-makers’ needs and drivers, for taking to the next meeting.
So, if you are feeling as though you need to be “fake” in order to succeed, try the scaling exercise and see whether you can explore small changes that are still you. Chances are, there is room for you to move and still be you.
Madeleine Shaw
I work with clients from executive leadership teams to the front line, helping them:
Make clearer decisions about what they want, and
Adapt faster and more easily to change and transition.
I use deep purpose as a key to unlock powerful thriving in work and life.
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